Tuesday, April 26, 2005

James Hurley, biggest tool in the universe

(edit: Hello, Twin Peaks fans! I've been geting a lot of hits for this as of late, so I'd like to welcome you to my full blog as well as other comments I made about the show)

Lately, I've been sporadically rewatching what may be the single finest season of crime television ever: season one of Twin Peaks. As much as I love the first and second season of The Sopranos, as much fun as Oz can be (or Deadwood, or NYPD Blue, or ...), I adore the divine mix of horror, surrealism, comedy and soap opera that is Twin Peaks Season One (if they'd hurry up and release season two on DVD, I could talk more about that. Oh, and fans should note that the season one box set doesn't have the pilot on it. I had to order it from Hong Kong).

There are scores of characters to love in Twin Peaks: cooler than cool Agent Dale Cooper, the pitiless forensic scientist Albert Rosenfeld, clueless but kind "Big" Ed Hurley, the hilarious hedonist Jerry Horne, so on and so on. But there is only one character to hate. And that character is James Hurley, fiction's greatest dipwad.

Just look at him. Posted by Hello

If I possessed a magic movie screen like the one in The Purple Rose of Cairo, I wouldn't use it to visit Middle Earth or carry on an affair with Rita Hayworth. No, I'd use that screen to take me to Twin Peaks, where I'd hunt down James Hurley, make him bite a concrete curb and then jump on the back of his skull, turning each of his too-white wuss teeth into fairy dust.

I know, you're saying,"Gee whiz, man, that show is 15 years old. Isn't it time to move on?" No. Until a bigger fictional dipwad is produced that obliterates Hurley from our memory (like how no one talks about World War I anymore*), we must continue to shine a light on James Hurley, King of the Tools.

James Hurley is supposed to be a "biker," yet by the first episode after the pilot, we see him in a cable-knit sweater. But that shouldn't be surprising, given the type of bikers he hung out with:

"Biker" Joey Paulson Posted by Hello

(Sorry about the lousy image quality. I guess ole "Joey Paulson" didn't set the world on fire after his Twin Peaks days). Okay, picture this: A bunch of guys who look like James and Joey wearing leather jackets and listening to Julee Cruise synth pop in a bar called "The Roadhouse." What comes to mind first: "bikers" or "leatherboys"?

But no self-respecting band of leatherboys would allow what happens next: the whole friggin' gang gets their asses beat by Bobby and Snake. Sure, near the end they start to get the upper hand a little, but considering it's about seven on two, this is not impressive.

Joey sees Donna and takes the opportunity to run away so he can take her to James (who was too much of a puss-puss to show up in the first place). James then takes the opportunity to seduce his dead-for-less-than-24-hours girlfriend's best friend, the only remotely cool thing James has ever done. But, of course, he mucks that up too, getting all teary-eyed like he seems to do every time the wind rustles that puffy haircut of his and then failing to close the deal so he can bury his "half a gold heart necklace," the pansy. Dr. Jacobi finds it like five minutes later anyway.

Other random reasons to hate James Hurley:
Wearing the previously mentioned cable-knit sweater, he says the words, "Fruit punch, that would be good." He was so excited to get some fruit punch, I think he peed a little.

That wide-eyed "I got a turtle-head a-pokin'" expression he wears in lieu of a real expression:

"Either Laura is dead, or I have to cop a squat. Even I don't know." Posted by Hello

The fact that they had to let him into the Bookhouse Boys just because Big Ed is his uncle.

He narcs on Bobby every chance he gets.

Laura Palmer: "James, do you know why I'm so happy today?"
James: "Because your hair is so soft and it smells so good?"

That's some sub-Anakin-in-Episode-2 level seduction. Yet somehow, it works. Why? Because Laura Palmer had already banged every man in Twin Peaks except Joey, who seemed strangely uninterested. Yet James, that twerp, gets all moon-eyed over the town doorknob. He probably stayed home at nights, while Laura was pulling a train with Jacque and Leo, making her mixed tapes with Extreme and the Spin Doctors on them.

Bow down, dorkwads. Your king still lives.

*The character who came the closest to stealing James' crown was David Silver, 90210's whiteboy rapper who took like seven seasons to close the deal with Donna Martin. But he also gave Donna the crabs later, right? Anyway, he still can't top Hurley.


Anonymous Diomy Yunsa said...

Dude! I soo agree! Have you seen season 2? They had it on bravo way back when I was still in elementary school..or middle school..either of those 2. Neways, there's this song he makes and dedicates to laura...OMFG!!!!! Everytime James played the song while Dona and Maddy sang, I could feel every molecule in my body scream. Everytime I think about the song I start to bleed from my ears...I think the Twin Peaks Humor Site used to call the song "Hellacious."

9:37 PM  
Blogger The Bookhouse Boy said...

I dunno ... I've been downloading the second season (yes, I'm a criminal too) and I just watched the episode with "Just You" in it. It's almost a cool song. It's got a really 50s groove to it. But Hurley still bites it.

7:12 PM  
Anonymous Anonymous said...

You have perfectly captured the essence of James Hurley's pathetic character. I think Laura said it perfectly..."James is sweet, but he's so DUMB." One of the only smart things that turkey ever said. Har!

12:19 PM  
Anonymous catfish said...

i always think -"someone needs to give that guy a swirley"

6:55 AM  
Blogger randy said...

OMG, i can't believe i'm just reading this now (being a Twin Peaks fanatic for the greater part of my life & all), but yes, everyone i've known i've tried to turn on to the TP & 1 of the many lessons i impart on those watching for the 1st time is, as Laura herself said "James is so sweet but so dumb." And he only gets stupider as the show progresses.

7:51 PM  

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