Tuesday, May 03, 2005

Lesson learned: Prison is Bad

Watched two prison documentaries this week: Gladiator Days and Scared Straight! Days investigates the backstory behind a brutal prison murder, a 67-stab wound shanking* caught on video. It's really hard to watch; at one point the shank gets stuck in the victim's skull ... yeah, it's hard to watch. Some folks have argued that killer Troy Kell is a victim of the system, as he received a no-parole life sentence at the age of 18. But, seeing as how he shot a guy six times to get that sentence, this is a really, really stupid argument.

Not that prison doesn't change you, a point made perfectly clear by Scared Straight! This 1978 documentary follows a group of young punks as they are taken into a New Jersey maximum security prison to get lectured by a bunch of scary lifers. There's a main thrust, if you will, to their threats. Allow me to present to you the two-minute version of Scared Straight!


"I'm just a bad motherfucker. No doubt." Posted by Hello

"What up, fool?" "Word, holmes." Posted by Hello


"...and then I'm going to rape you sideways style. After that, I'll do some rape crunches to keep the abs tight. After that, I'll beat your guts with my rape stick. Then my friends will rape you while I take a rape nap." Posted by Hello

[in the background]"rape, rape, rape." Posted by Hello

"...breakfast rape, except on Sundays, when it's brunch rape. Rape with feathers! Cream of rape!" Posted by Hello


"Is the army hiring right now? 'Cause I'd like to thank Uncle Sam for my perfectly-sized, non-distended anus."Posted by Hello

"Like, I thought prison was all tattoos and pruno. I didn't realize it involved widening my rectum like an elephant gun. I'm joining the Key Club. "Word, holmes." Posted by Hello

*67 Stab Wound Shanking is the name of my new metal band.


Anonymous Anonymous said...

But is there any rape in it?

3:15 PM  
Anonymous Will said...

OK, so prison isn't *all* about tattoos and pruno. But pruno is the social lubricant that makes all of that rape possible. You can try it at home by following this recipe:

11:45 AM  
Anonymous Steve Huff said...

Did you know the BTK Killer, Denny the Deadly Dog Catcher, is still writing poems in jail? Here;

Oh, to walk among the new Season,
-to heard a robin voice,
-to see a dandelion bright,
-to watch a butterfly flight,
-to smell a simple flower bud,
Oh Spring these are the many reasons.

I wrote the one he really meant to write:

Oh to sleep in my bunk,
- to hear the words "fishy-fish"
- to befriend inmates who like to "swish"
- to have my cellmate admire "junk in my trunk"
- to sleep with my back against the wall
Oh for two of us this bunk is just way too small.

Don't applaud all once, y'all.

5:43 PM  
Blogger The Bookhouse Boy said...

Why is it that prison rape is so much funnier than real rape?

6:15 PM  

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