Friday, May 06, 2005

Sorry, O.J. I didn't know ...

A few years ago my brother and I rented Battlefield Earth. Yeah, I know, that was the point: we wanted to watch something so bad it was good. But after two largely laughless hours of watching John Travolta stop around in platform shoes and dredlock extensions like the scariest tranny on Earth, we turned off the film with a sober lesson learned: sometimes bad is just bad. After that, it's been a lot harder for me to get into kitsch.

But at a book fair today, I found something so bad that I had to get it: Blood Oath, The Conspiracy to Murder Nicole Brown-Simpson. It kindly explains the murder to all of us stupid Americans who thought we knew who the killer was.

There might be some of you who, having considered O.J.'s history of abuse, footprints at the crime scene, bleeding hand, confused alibi, extremely odd post-crime behavior and one-in-57-billion blood match might have thought O.J. was the killer. But no! The intrepid authors of Blood Oath, thanks to an informant, has it all figured out. Allow me to quote from the back cover:

"Blood Oath is the story of an on-going conspiracy that began with the attempted AME Church bombing in Los Angeles and the targeting of prominent African Americans for assassination by an elite strike-team of white supremacists ..."

Boo-yah! You didn't see that one coming, did you? This book manages to tie in the murder of Alan Berg, the Oklahoma City bombing and other acts of white-power in with the murder of Nicole Brown. Why? Let's check in with our white folks as they plan the crime:

"How is the execution of this black man Simpson and his n---er loving wife going to accomplish all of those glorious things you're talking about?" One of the lesser whities asks (the dashes are in the original ... I think they replace "osh;" OJ loved to eat.
...
"We'll crucify her and frame the n[osh]er. The whites will line up on one side and the blacks, Jews and liberals on the other."

You have to admit, it explains a lot of things. When the party of four ex-Special Forces white supremacists kill Nicole and Ron Goldman, plant lab-stolen OJ blood all over the place, walk through the crime scene with a pair of stolen Bruno Maglis and then move OJ's Bronco around, all in order to foment a national race riot ... well, I for one am scared shitless.

It goes on like this for hundreds of pages. And it cheers my heart. No, it really isn't that funny. I'll never finish the whole thing. But it makes me happy, because if this pile of shit can get published, then so can I. I love you, America!

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